ANGRY (part 11)

I was very pissed off at Radhika for having revealed my secret. Even though in some corner of my brain I had the feeling that I was wrong, I convinced myself that it was definitely just a hope and nothing else.

Ramya observed me as I stayed home all day. This was very unlike her, but I realized it might be because this time she knew the reason. I had the urge to go out to Alisha, but I suppressed it.

That night I couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t because I was sad, or that I wasn’t tired enough to doze off. It was because I was angry; angry that God didn’t want me to be happy, that he wanted me to be alone for the rest of my miserable life. First Alisha, then Radhika, and then there was no one else left to count except Ramya, and I was partly convinced she was going to go too.

I struggled to keep my tears from flowing. If I started sobbing, Ramya was sure to wake up.

I sneaked out of the room. It was two in the night, and what I was going to do didn’t seem like a very good idea. But I wanted to talk to someone… anyone.

I wore my slippers and walked out of the house in my night suit. I kept walking away from my house until I felt it was far enough. Then I sat down on the grass alongside the road. The only things alive around me were the bats, and the flickering streetlights. That was more than enough company I could ask for.

I started sobbing. There were no houses around me, so it was unlikely that my sobs could gather attention.  What surprised me right now was that, even in so much distress, I was concerned about others’ peace.

Tears didn’t flow out, only curses did. Was I meant to live alone and die alone? Being mocked at by everyone, with no scope of respect? Why me?

I cursed under my breath until I was panting, and out of words.

However badly I believed the words I had spoken, I couldn’t help but sigh with relief when I felt someone behind me. The presence was strong, like Alisha. But it wasn’t her. This was probably a man. It must have been because of the pent up rage being released from my body, that by back felt uncomfortably hot. I shifted a bit to try and cool it, but it was of no use.

“That much anger is not good for health,” he said.

“Then what am I supposed to do? Accept my loneliness?”

“You aren’t lonely. You have your family.”

“If everything were solved just by family, I wouldn’t be sitting here, would I?”

“Well it was completely your choice to leave home in the middle of the night. It is not safe here.”

“Are you here to solve my problem or increase it?”

“I am here to calm you down.”

“Oh yeah? Well you are doing a great job!” I snapped.

“What is it that you are so worried about?” his tone was surprisingly calm.

“Haven’t you been listening?”

“I want to hear it from you,” he said.

I sighed and started again, “I lost the only person I thought was close to me, all because she couldn’t keep a damn secret about the other… person… She screwed up everything… maybe solved… Argh I don’t know,” and I stopped speaking.

“Why are you so sure that it was she who had revealed your secret?”

“I’m not talking to you with the expectation to hear the same as others have been telling me,” I snorted.

“Then what do you want me to say?”

I didn’t know the answer to that question. What did I want, really?

“Do you want me to say that it really was Radhika?”

“Who else would it be?”

“Many others.”

“Ha, ya right,” I snapped. I didn’t like being this rude, but it felt like the only thing I could do.

“If you think, you might know too… for instance, there were other people who saw you doing all those stuff,” he explained.

I thought for a moment. Sure, there were people who had noticed me when I played my game, Radhika had told me so.

The feeling that I might be wrong was irritating me. I asked, “And what about this one?”

I think he understood what I meant, because he answered, “Don’t you think there might be people like your uncle and your sister, watching over you without your knowledge?”

Well, there was that possibility. I looked in his direction, obviously knowing that I couldn’t see him, but just for something to do.

“You should go back home now. I think your sister might wake up in a few minutes. You wouldn’t want to be caught sneaking out of the house this late,” he said after a few moments of silence.

I didn’t say anything else, and silently walked back home.

I probably didn’t feel better than before, but at least I wasn’t feeling weak. As I lay awake, my sister woke up to go to the washroom. She hadn’t noticed my eyes open as she came back to bed. I didn’t realise when I fell asleep.


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